Can you picture it? Aphantasia is the inability to produce mental images.

Imagine a red apple, a yellow banana, a partner, a pet, or your parents while closing your eyes. Do you see anything?

I learned that all I can see is darkness; there are no shadows or shapes; I had no idea that this was even possible. I must admit that realizing I only see darkness was startling and even unsettling. Although I always believed that my imagination was vivid, it turns out that my mind’s eye is blind.

I felt a sense of loss after learning about Aphantasia and wish I could see what other people see. I conducted a family survey and found that my father is the same and some of my children also have Aphantasia. I felt my heart ache when I tried to visualize my mother, absolutely nothing; I am unable to imagine my family or anything else that is dear to me. My biggest fear has always been going blind one day, so I’ve been attempting to teach myself how to knit and crochet while keeping my eyes closed just in case. I was relying on my ability to recall things in my mind’s eye if I ever lost my vision. Now that I am aware that others can close their eyes and experience beautiful memories, vibrant colours, and the most breathtaking sunsets, the fact that all I can see is darkness makes me feel a little sad.

I remember as a child counting sheep and trying to imagine them jumping a fence. I didn’t see the sheep nor the fence and with my eyes closed I would move my head as if I was tracking a jumping sheep. When I try to envision something like an apple, I move my eyes behind my closed eyelids to draw the shape of an apple in the air, though it probably looks more like a heart than an apple. Aphantasia clarifies all the instances in high school art class when I was unable to complete the imaginative exercises that asked me to draw anything without looking at it. Whatever I drew or painted without using a reference never looked realistic and lacked clarity, which made me feel like a failure as an artist. I could depict a humorous elephant because I knew it had two very enormous ears, a long nose, and was large, but since I didn’t have a picture to reference, it was just a guess.

Having a conversation with my 16-year-old about Aphantasia, a condition we both have, we both agree schoolwork is more difficult and it explains why tests and exams don’t ever work in our favour. Others can see the formulas for math, they can see the Periodic Table of Elements, and they can pull from their mind’s eye information stored for later reference, but all we see is blackness, it feels like it’s an unfair situation.

In my last semester, I took a wonderful class called Happiness. It was just after I finished this class that I discovered I have Aphantasia. Guided meditations made little sense to me because I didn’t see the
beach, or the waves and the sunset, it felt like everything was a metaphor. I was trying to connect the guided directions to the photos I couldn’t see trying to visualize how the words were supposed to instill peace. On occasion, this worked, but more often than not, it was just frustrating to attempt to maintain attention in the dark.

Only 4% of people have Aphantasia, according to a Time article. What It’s Like to Be ‘Mind Blind’ In addition to not being able to see anything when my eyes are closed, I also feel as though I am unable to envision anything else connected to our five senses.

I’m curious about the prevalence of Aphantasia among other artists and creatives as I’ve read that this condition affects them less frequently. Leave me a message in the comments, if you don’t have Aphantasia, can you imagine what it would be like to close your eyes and see nothing? If you have Aphantasia when did you discover it?